What am I feeling?
by 1angel2heart
Summary: Kurapika is left confused after Kuroro's strange behavior and tries to sort out the effect it has been having on him for the past few months. Based on Atutsie's Tumblr prompt (HxH au where chrollo lucifer stole Baise's Instant Lovers Nen ability) and also her request to write something on it. Inspired to be a continuing to a headcanon written by Shalnarkonice (so read that first!)


**A/N:**

(1) One can think of this as what Leorio and Kurapika are doing outside of the Unexpected x Developments storyline since I wrote their reactions to each other and where they are with how I plan to write them when they do appear in that story.

(2) For those who read my other story, yes its the same antique ceramic and brass lamp from chapter 20. Yep, reincarnated just to be destroyed again...

(3) Kurapika in that nightshirt is so cute ^.^

Kurapika's eyes are blue like his 1999 version. Leorio and Kurapika are sharing an apartment. Consider it as housing provided for the Zodiac members. This is meant to be a one-shot so I guess it's complete (unless I change my mind).

 **Warning** : None! Surprising for something from me huh? But I decided to control myself XD

* * *

It had been hours but his brow was still furrowed and his eyes continued to burn scarlet. They were starting to hurt but he could not help it, he was emotionally stressed. And the cause of that stress was none other than Kuroro Lucilfer.

Several months had passed since Kurapika had been enslaved by his Instant Lovers ability - a long time, but he'd been betrayed by the passage of time as it had done little to help him forget.

 _I may never forget_ , Kurapika thought doubtfully.

The only thing that had seemed to help were the months spent busying himself with his hunt for the Kurta eyes, but now that he was here with the Zodiacs his mind had more opportunities to mull over the unpleasant details of things in his past. And tonight, having finished up with work and lying alone in bed, the conditions were right for his thoughts to ruminate over the night he'd made physical contact with the man he deemed to be his mortal enemy.

"Kuroro..." he whispered, his voice a strange mixture of confusion and malice as he brought a shaky hand up to his lips. Curiously, his fingers ghosted over the puckered surface as he recalled the way Kuroro's lips had felt against them.

"Instant Lovers," he groused. "What an accursed ability."

After that three-hour nightmare, as he'd called it back then, Kurapika had made a big show of puking and gagging right before they'd boarded the airship to carry out the hostage exchange. He had wanted to make it clear to everyone that he had NOT enjoyed the experience and he'd especially wanted to make it clear to Kuroro that he still thought of him as repulsive despite having been made to dote on him for three hours. Back then, Leorio, Melody and Kuroro had stood awkwardly around, through the sounds of his fuming and forced retching, waiting for him to conclude his tirade so that they could all get on with their lives.

It would not be until hours later though that he'd come to a life-altering realization, while laying feverish and delirious in bed, that the only person he'd been trying to convince was himself.

No...that's not right. It was sooner that that.

When he'd been feverish and immobile was when he'd finally admitted it to himself but in actuality the subconscious realization had hit him the moment the Nen had worn off. Deep in his heart Kurapika was aware of how affected he had been the instant Kuroro's lips had met his to activate the ability but there was nothing he could have done while not being in control of his own body. So to save his pride and destroy Kuroro's, he'd pretended to puke, spit and gag, whilst watching Kuroro from the corner of his eye. What he did not expect to see though was the flash of hurt that crossed the man's features a fraction of a second before it was covered up by his usual mask of indifference and selfish pride.

And that - Kuroro's reaction to his repulsion - was what occupied his thoughts, leaving him in this current state of confusion, along with the many questions that floated through his mind unanswered. Why hadn't Kuroro taken the opportunity to undo the chains, escape or even kill them all while he'd had them under the influence of the Instant Lovers ability? Instead he'd opted to have Leorio drive them all around, Melody sing and Kurapika show excessive affection toward him. Didn't he have his Troupe to do that for him already? Or had the man simply been entranced with the idea of stealing their free will and humiliating them?

 _A likely possibility,_ Kurapika thought, flipping onto his back and staring up at the white ceiling. _But I feel as if there is more to this. His behavior was very strange..._

Being intellectually curious and analytical by nature made Kurapika feel as if it was his duty to figure out the mysteries of that night even though Leorio and Melody appeared to already be over it and acted as if it had not happened. But he knew that they remembered, just as he did. That's how the Instant Lovers ability worked. Although the person was completely under the user's control, they were consciously aware of and recalled everything they did. And that's the reason why, for months afterward he kept thinking about it. The interesting thing about the ability too is that when given a simple or open instruction, the affected person would act according to his innermost desires - even if unaware of the existence of those desires - as long as the actions fit in with the precepts of the ability. For example, while Kuroro had given the others pretty straightforward commands, he'd commanded him to act affectionately and had never told him to kiss his cheek or stroke his thigh. _Can it be that those were things I_ _ **wanted**_ _to do deep down in my subconscious?_

"..."

Kurapika slapped a hand to his forehead, pushing back his blonde bangs. _Oh my gods, I practically molested him..._ At that thought Kurapika's cheeks heated up and he grabbed a pillow, smothering himself with it.

 _There's no way I'd ever want to do something like that!_

"I hate him...I hate him...I hate him..." he chanted into the soft material. Throwing aside the pillow, he sat up quickly to take a deep, trembling breath. "My hate...my rage, I cannot let it fade!" he whispered harshly into the emptiness of his bedroom. To anyone observing him he would appear panicked and that would be a quite accurate assumption, because he was. The dissolution of his rage for the ones responsible for the death of his kin was the one thing he feared worse than death. Death was nothing, but this...this was a betrayal of those he loved, his home, his family, his heritage.

As he remembered the Kurta massacre, his rage returned and his heart burned with the satisfaction of that familiar feeling, until _that night_ invaded his thoughts again and his rage dissolved into confusion. Confusion at the way Kuroro had looked quite disappointed and unhappy at forcing them all to love him while under his control for three hours. It was as if he could not wait for the one hundred and eighty minutes to end. Was it because since he was aware of the fact that it was all fake, it annoyed him? And what was that expression he wore the whole time? Could it be that Kuroro had been unaware that Kurapika could observe him from behind eyes forced to look at him with adoration? Because that look was without the usual mask to hide it and told him that no matter how much status or things the man had acquired, no matter how many people he'd gained control of, he was still trying to comprehend himself, still very lonely inside. Kurapika had seen himself reflected in the depths of those ebony eyes and that's what bothered him the most.

 _Maybe he really is all alone._

 _Oh no_

 _It's never a good sign to be able to identify with ones enemies._

A callous and selfish man like Kuroro, who went after whatever he wanted and was surrounded by people who'd sworn their lives and loyalty to him should not have such a look of loneliness on his face; should not have had that flicker of sadness at seeing him pretend to be disgusted afterwards...

Should have just killed them all when he had the chance.

At least that way he'd have acted the way they expected.

And speaking of unexpected things, that kiss was definitely one. Everything else bothered Kurapika, but that was the one thing that actually haunted him about the whole experience. _He kissed me on my lips to initiate the ability—_ Kurapika's face twisted in disgust _—but while under the spell when I tried to kiss him he moved away. Wouldn't it have been more to that bastard's liking to have grasped that opportunity?_ Kurapika was well aware that had Kuroro made _him_ initiate a kiss, he would have succeeded in leaving him even more tormented when he'd come to his senses afterward. But he had not.

 _He probably thought that stealing my lips once to activate the ability was enough._ Kurapika gasped as the memory of that firm, determined kiss invaded his senses and his cheeks flamed with embarrassment. _I can't believe that actually happened._

 _Good thing he did not make me kiss him again. He's definitely not a good person and there's no doubt that he is bad, but maybe somewhere in there there's a shred of humanity, which would probably make him not as inhumane as I once—_

 _"..."_

"What in heaven's name am I thinking?!" he shouted, jumping to his feet. "Of course he's inhumane! Terrible! horrendous!"

Kurapika took a deep breath but that did not calm him down. Instead, it made him angrier. "I can't think of him as anything more than inhumane! The moment I do that is the moment my rage fades away and I become weak!" He swept his hand across his lips as if wanting to erase the kiss and then over the nightstand to send its occupants flying. There was a loud crash as the antique ceramic and brass lamp that had been sitting atop the polished mahogany surface crashed against the wall. He ignored it, pacing among the broken shards. "Kuroro is too intelligent and sharp-witted to not have had a plan in doing all that. Maybe it was his intention to behave in a completely different way to how we'd expect and inflict more mental damage?!"

 _Like what he's doing to me right now._

Kurapika stopped pacing.

 _Yes! That has to be it, that makes sens—_

A hard knock on his bedroom door interrupted his thoughts, followed by a muffled voice. "Kurapika...Kurapika!"

More knocking.

"Kurapika damn it, answer me, are you okay?! I heard a loud crash and..."

"Oh shit." Kurapika turned away from the sound of Leorio's intense knocking at the door and toward the window. Outside the moon was full and he closed his eyes, remembering the lush forests of his homeland and the carefree days spent sitting by the creek with Pairo. A feeling of nostalgia hit him, tugging at his heart and he smiled, just as the door flew open to bang loudly against the wall.

Kurapika shifted to face his friend, a small, near imperceptible smirk gracing his lips. "Ah, forceful as always aren't you Leorio?" he said calmly, his eyes now their usual beautiful shade of blue. Thinking of his homeland always calmed him and he couldn't afford to let Leorio see him like he was before - scarlet eyes blazing and skin flushed. Too many questions would be asked - questions he didn't even have the answers to.

Leorio stood in the doorway for a while, huffing like a madman. He raised one threatening finger to point in Kurapika's direction. "Don't you 'forceful' me! I'll show **_you_** forceful you uh...blonde...blonde..."

Kurapika took in his disheveled appearance and the keys jingling in the hand pointed at his face as Leorio tried to think up of a scathing remark. _It would appear that after Leorio didn't get an answer from me at the door, he ran back downstairs to grab the spare keys to let himself into my room. And judging from his heavy breathing he must have taken the steps three at a time._ _Good thing he has long legs._ Kurapika almost laughed. _Leorio is always so impulsive_.

"You're laughing aren't you?!"

"No I am not."

That lie would have worked on someone else but not on Leorio.

"Yes you are! I can see it in your eyes!" Leorio stalked into the room, stepping around the bed and closer to him. "Think I wouldn't know the signs of merriment in a frigid Kurta like you by now?" He reached out for him and Kurapika did not budge, just continued to regard him with that same calm expression. That infuriated Leorio even more and as he grasped the collar of his navy satin stripe nightshirt, ready to give him a piece of his mind, his boot crunched a piece of glass on the floor. That's when Leorio remembered what had him running to his friend's room in the first place.

"Kurapika," he said, his voice uncharacteristically low. "You had me worried you know." His foot kicked aside a large chunk of the patterned glass.

"Hmm?" Kurapika knew that he had more to say so he waited for him to continue.

"Yeah, I..." Leorio seemed suddenly embarrassed now that he had to repeat the tale of how he'd overreacted but went on anyway. "When I heard the noise I thought something had _—_ "

"Happened to me?" Kurapika finished for him.

Leorio looked at him for a moment and suddenly angered again by his cool expression, shook him harshly. "Well at least react you!" He stopped shaking him to look down into those crystalline blue eyes, pretty and devoid of life like a doll's. "That's the least you could do. Ever since we reunited you've been so...so—"

Kurapika knew exactly what word Leorio was looking for. It was what everyone was calling him these days.

"Cold?" Kurapika offered and Leorio frowned.

"Yes, that."

"What else do you expect? You didn't **_see_** what I had to see, or **_do_** what I had to do in my search for the Kurta eyes." His voice was a harsh whisper, flavored with a hint of bitterness.

"I'm not trivializing your experience you know, I am aware that the things you did must have been all sorts of..." His voice trailed off when he saw Kurapika's expression darken. _Oh yeah, that subject is taboo between us._ "Um, anyway, I just want you to know that—"

"What?" Kurapika cut in, looking down pointedly at Leorio's fist that was still tightened around the collar of his nightshirt.

Leorio removed his hand. "I just want you to know that the least you could have done was answer when I was calling you from the other side of the door. Have you any idea how fast I ran up and down those stairs?"

Kurapika sighed, looking up at Leorio's face. Noticing that it was one of those moments he wasn't wearing his trademark glasses, he took the opportunity to take a good look at him and saw the genuine concern etched into his features. Feeling a bit guilty about making Leorio worry, Kurapika looked down to focus instead on his own feet. Tucked inside yellow terry cloth slippers, his feet were positioned toe to toe with Leorio's leather Derbies. _He must have just come in from the office when he heard the lamp fall..._

"Well?" Leorio prodded. "Aren't you going to tell me why you didn't answer the door?"

"..."

 _How could I have answered the door? You'd have come barging in here and seen my scarlet eyes. I can't let you know how much I've been thinking about that night, how much it's been worrying me. I don't even know what I'm feeling..._

Finally Kurapika, shifting his weight from one foot to the next, made a little sound in his throat as if he was going to answer.

"I'm sorry Leorio," he said so softly that it was almost impossible to hear, but Leorio heard him.

"Hey, don't beat yourself up about it, it's okay - we all have those moments." He stepped closer to his friend and put his arms around his torso, holding him close.

Kurapika let himself be held in that comforting embrace, thoughts wandering. _But it's not okay. I've been feeling largely apathetic toward everything, but why do I keep remembering that night only to think about and analyze Kuroro?_ He brought his fingertips up to his lips. _And why have I started wondering if I'll be just as affected if he were to kiss me outside of the Instant Lovers ability?_

Feeling him move, Leorio held his shoulders, pushing him away slightly from his body to look down at his face. That's when he saw his reddened cheeks. "Are you okay Kurapika? You're not getting a fever are you?"

"No I'm not..." He angled his face away from Leorio and back toward the full moon outside the window. _I'm not sick, but I'm definitely losing my mind._

Assuming that Kurapika's inner turmoil had dissipated, Leorio released him, turning on his heel and walking away. "I'm going to get something to clean that up," he explained, pointing briefly at the broken lamp at the Kurta's feet before heading back toward the doorway again. "I wouldn't want you to cut yourself on that..." He laughed awkwardly and when Kurapika did not respond, choosing instead to continue staring blankly at the moon outside, he just closed the door quietly behind him. _Maybe what Kurapika needs is some time alone to think,_ he thought as he leaned against the oak door before walking off to get the broom.

Sensing that his friend had finally left, Kurapika flopped back down on the bed and buried his face in the cool sheets.

His mind wandered to Kuroro again.

Little did Leorio know that leaving Kurapika alone to think was not the wisest thing to do at the moment.


End file.
